Coaching the Coach Through Change

What does it mean to be “seen”?

This is a question that has become surprisingly real to me over the last couple of weeks. As part of my experiment with acquiring coaching hours with peers, I’ve had the opportunity to not only coach people from all over the world, but to be coached by them as well. I consider myself to be pretty self-aware. I spend a lot of time thinking about my own ideas, behaviors, patterns, and what might be going on underneath them. But thinking about those things privately and inviting another person into them are two very different experiences.

There is a real vulnerability in opening the door to your internal world and saying, “Here. This is what is going on underneath.” And if I’m being completely truthful, last week was kind of hard. It was hard to show up and let myself be seen. Some of these coaching relationships were brand new, and some of the conversations went much deeper than I was anticipating so early in the relationship. I found myself feeling vulnerable, a little scared, and sometimes depleted afterward. The funny thing is, when I went back and read some of my reflections from when I first started this coaching journey, I found something I had written about myself:

I didn’t necessarily want to be known or seen.

Apparently, that part of me is still hanging around.

So as I was trying to write this blog about what it means to feel seen, I got stuck. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. And then I thought: maybe instead of trying to write something insightful about it, I should just get curious about why being seen feels so vulnerable to me. So I decided to coach myself.

What is it about being seen that feels hard?

It doesn’t feel safe.

Why doesn’t it feel safe?

Because being seen can lead to being hurt.

How does being seen lead to being hurt?

Because it exposes weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

And what am I afraid might happen if someone sees those things?

Rejection.

Well. There it is.

But then I kept going.

Can I think of times when I have allowed myself to be seen and wasn't rejected?

Actually… yes.

I share pretty freely with the people closest to me. I can be vulnerable with them because I trust that I am accepted.

And even in these new coaching relationships that brought up some of that old fear, I shared parts of myself and... I was okay.

I wasn’t rejected.

Nothing bad happened.

In fact, I had some really meaningful experiences.

Which made me wonder: what if the fear I’m feeling is based on experiences that taught me something important at one point in my life, but aren't necessarily an accurate prediction of what will happen now? Maybe I don’t need to get rid of the fear before I allow myself to be seen. Maybe I can practice. I can share a little more. Let someone in a little further. Notice what happens. And when the old fear tells me that being seen isn’t safe, I can remind myself of the newer experiences I’m collecting.

I shared, and it was okay.

I let someone see what was underneath, and I was accepted.

I was vulnerable, and I was still safe.

Maybe eventually there will be enough new evidence that being seen doesn't feel quite so scary. And I suppose there's something a little funny about writing a blog about being afraid of being seen... and then publishing the internal conversation I had with myself about why I'm afraid of being seen. Apparently, this blog is part of the experiment too. So here goes.

A little more practice letting myself be seen.