I Left the Job. I Didn’t Leave All the Rules

I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself over the last several weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time talking with other people, coaching and being coached. I’ve also spent a lot of time reflecting on those sessions and digging deeper into my own thoughts on things.

Something surprised me this week when a friend asked if I was excited about an upcoming trip. My response was, “I’m more anxious about it than I am excited… and I don’t know why.”

So, of course, I started thinking about it more deeply (like I tend to do).

The first thought that popped into my head was that I shouldn’t be excited because I haven’t earned it. I’m not technically working right now.

That seemed weird to me, so I started poking around underneath what that meant.

It’s not really about the money. I planned and paid for most of this trip before I left my corporate career. Then I realized something: this will be the first trip I’ve taken where I don’t have to work.

Throughout my career, there was always an expectation (maybe sometimes one of my own)  to always be on and reachable. I honestly can’t remember the last time I took a trip and didn’t bring my laptop or have work email attached to me so I could check in and manage things while I was away.

And now, the idea of going on a trip and simply… going on a trip feels odd.

Somewhere along the way, I connected being productive with my value and even with what I deserve.

It’s another little fragment of my old life that hasn’t completely gone away yet.

I’m killing my own joy before I even allow it to blossom.

The other strange way this showed up this week came from realizing that it’s been a little over three months since I left the corporate world. I was so excited about finally having more freedom over my time, but when I look back at those three months, I’ve spent a lot of those extra hours staying home.

And it hit me: if I do end up going back into the corporate world at some point in the future, I might regret that I never really allowed myself to enjoy this time.

Apparently, I’m still operating under some of my old systems.

Have I made tremendous progress toward my coaching goals? Absolutely. I’m proud of what I’ve built and learned in these few months.

But somewhere along the way, I left my own personal enjoyment out of the equation.

I turned a lot of this journey into another productivity test, another way to gauge whether I was doing enough, accomplishing enough, or making good enough use of my time.

Another way to measure my worth.

And I don’t think that’s something I want to carry forward with me.

I’m working toward listening to and honoring myself more. Toward not pushing for things that don’t feel right simply in the name of “growth and achievement.”

Maybe part of this next chapter isn’t just about figuring out what I want to build.

Maybe it’s also about learning how to enjoy the life I worked so hard to create space for.

To take the trip.

To leave the laptop at home.

To go do something on a random Tuesday simply because I want to.

And maybe even to let myself be excited about it, without having to earn it first.