The Freedom of Not Knowing

I don’t have all of the answers and for the first time in my life, I am 100% okay with that. It’s brought a new level of freedom that I don’t think I have experienced before. For someone who has generally had a worried mind, it has freed up so much mental space. Feeling okay with the unknown, almost excited about it even, makes me realize just how much possibility lies ahead. I just have this knowing that everything is going to work out as it should, the right answers will arrive when I need them, the money will figure itself out, my people will find me. At this point in my life, I really have no one to answer to other than myself… and I am a pretty forgiving, compassionate person. Maybe this is the first time I am allowing myself to just be… we are human beings after all and not human doings. I don’t have those swirling thoughts, trying to figure out what happens next, playing out every possible scenario of what could go wrong or how to respond to a situation.

 Showing up exactly as myself is enough.

I’ve put a few things in place to help keep myself moving in the direction I want to go. There is something weirdly satisfying about being able to check an item off a to-do list. I’m learning that even a small step, the basic bare minimum is all I need on some days, it’s still forward movement. Accepting that my brain/body doesn’t always want to push so hard, but I still want to accomplish my goals. It’s kind of been a fun practice to do “just enough” and mark it as complete. For someone who has always been a perfectionist, it has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. Who decided that wasn’t enough anyway? Why would I hold myself to the impossible standards that I set for myself, I surely have never done that to anyone else. It’s freedom.

I’m realizing that much of what I called burnout wasn’t really burnout at all. It was misalignment. Things were beginning to change and I was getting to the point where I couldn’t fight against myself anymore. I wasn’t finding joy in showing up or pushing myself to be someone I didn’t want to be. I was tired of waking up every Monday morning with anxiety rolling in my belly before my eyes had even opened. And starting to feel that dread on Sunday afternoon of what was to come the next week. Having to follow through with choices that other people had made that I didn’t agree with left me feeling very mixed up inside. Wanting to fade into avoidance, not wanting to show up authentically, making myself small.

I woke up this morning and realized that I have not regretted leaving my career. I haven’t missed it at all other than the people, the relationships I had built. The chapter just feels complete and I think that kind of surprised me. I thought I would regret it. I thought I would be terrified I had just jumped off a cliff without really knowing what was on the ground to catch me. I had so many fears leading up to me giving notice and none of those have come true. I just feel free. I am looking forward to what is ahead rather than looking backwards. I’m realizing that all of the choices are now mine, and I’m kind of blown away that I never saw this before.

I still don’t really know the final destination but I am listening to that small voice now. The one that is telling me there is something more. There is something more I am supposed to do and the answers are coming, it’s just not clear yet. Somehow that doesn’t scare me anymore. It gives me hope.