Coming Home to Yourself
I ran across this phrase and it was like a lightbulb went off somewhere in my brain.
Home.
That place where you feel peaceful, safe, loved, accepted and known.
Like a warm fuzzy blanket on a cold night or that first cup of coffee in the morning that brings a little lightness to the dark edges left over from sleep.
A settledness in your soul that whispers “everything is going to be alright” when the path ahead is not always clear.
I realized this was the process I had been unknowingly going through for several years now.
Coming home to myself has been a process of stripping away all of the masks I have worn over the years. All of the roles I have played; Mother, Career Woman, Athlete, Leader, Sister, Friend, Daughter, Partner… who am I underneath all of those things? Human. Flawed but hopelessly hopeful that tomorrow will present a new opportunity for something great to happen. It’s been realizing that I am separate but so closely connected with everything and everyone around me. Discovering my purpose, what I am here to do without the masks defining my role. What makes me uniquely “me” - the common thread amongst all of my life experiences? I had built my home in other people for so long that I had neglected to see the one within myself, the one that is always there.
I wore all of those masks so well that I forgot, or maybe never even knew who I was without those titles. Somewhere along the way it became easier to perform than to just be. I wanted to show up as the best version of myself in each of those roles and often curated the image of what I wanted others to see. Hiding the messy parts, putting on a brave face and pretending like I had it all put together. Many times I was barely treading water, felt like I was drowning and wished that I could run away and hide. I didn’t have that anchor inside myself that kept me from floating away, I was disconnected and so focused on what was outside of me. Everything else was a priority and I was often last on that list.
I slowly started stripping away all of those things, some happened as they are supposed to (hello empty nest) and some were a process of pulling away into myself to block out the outside world. I started to learn to say no to things that I didn’t want to do. I would take myself to places where I wanted to do something on my own rather than waiting/wanting someone to join me. I slowly learned that alignment is so important and something I value, even if that meant I needed to leave a place that had felt like home before. I started listening to that small voice inside that said “I matter too” and making decisions that felt scary but freeing at the same time. It’s returning to that home inside myself where I am peaceful, safe, loved, accepted and truly known. Without a mask or a role, without an expectation of who I am supposed to be. Both light and dark, curious, thoughtful, kind, optimistic but now also discerning from the experiences that life has given me. It’s less about the roles I play and more about the person who plays them. I still have many of those titles but the person who is underneath them has changed.
She is now connected to herself.
She trusts her own voice.
She has built a life that is aligned with her values instead of her fears and knows that wherever life takes her next, she will always know where to return.
It’s good to finally be home.
